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I Have A Confession

Singing is agony.

Singing is ecstasy.

Here's the thing, I love singing. There is little that I love more than hitting the perfect note at the perfect time in perfect pitch. But 98% of the time I fail utterly. I know I am capable of so much more. I can do better!

For me, music is like air. I crave it, need it. But it's a double edged sword. It cuts me. Makes me feel...everything. On top of the world. Like I could do anything. And in the same breath, insignificant. An utter failure.

Sometimes when I hear a song, I just know that I could sing it better, with more passion, more heart, more...just more.

And sometimes (most of the time) I hear a song and I know deep down that I'm wasting dreams. I may as well pretend that someday, if I wish and pray hard enough, I'll grow fins and meet King Triton. And it makes me sick, physically sick to my stomach. I could never rival, even remotely come close, to...I don't know. This idea. This...beauty. This bittersweet agony. There are some voices that make your heart break in the most beautiful and exquisite delight. And let's face it. That just ain't me.

But I want it so much to be! It's like wishing for the moon. No matter how fast you run at the horizon, no matter far you reach, it's always just out of grasp. A whole world away.  I wish I could convey to you how much I long for more talent, more direction, more control. Like a starving child at the window of a bakery.

Maybe someday I'll find the guts to do something about. I just wish I knew what that something was.

Sometimes your greatest ecstasy is your deepest agony.

Call a Spade, a Spade and a Bean, a Bean.

I'm 98% certain that I have just made the best bean soup in existence! I mean, really. It's sublime! (Can you tell that I am excited about this?)


I'm especially excited because, number one, I'm not a huge fan of beans (unless they are baked or refried) and number two, I have never, I mean never, ever, cooked with beans.


Like in my entire life.


But we're tight on money and beans are cheap. And high in protein and a bunch of other junk. Blah, blah, blah. They're beans. A gross, but necessary, evil in these dark(ish) days. 


So I went to my local farmer's market (woohoo!) and bough a few pounds of mixed beans. I have no idea what kinds of beans are that bag. I loath beans, remember. Some are red (kidney?), some are small and white ( err...beans??) and the others are definitely pintos (Hey these are named after a horse. Of course I know what they're called). 


Anyway, I love soup. And figure it's pretty hard to make a bad soup. Why not try and ruin one with beans? Ugh. Now the only thing I know about cooking beans is that ham is supposed to make them more palatable. I don't really like ham either. But if it makes the beans 'better,' well, ok then. So I also bought a package of smoked ham shanks for $3.92. 


Beans: check
Ham: check
Just enough desperation to eat both of them: check

This morning I started the soup. 


I grudgingly put in on the stove at 10am. By noon I was hovering over the pot, salivating. Oh. My. GOSH! If this stuff tastes half as good as it smells...


It didn't. It was BETTER! Now I'm sitting in the other room diligently waiting for my husband to get home so we can eat it. And I am struggling. 


Over ham and bean soup? Really?!


The moral of my story is this: Thin times will stretch you. But sometimes you stumble on to something you will love.


Edit: Ernie's now home and we just finished dinner. It was amazing! Except for one thing. A bean, no matter what you do to it, is still a bean. And while the flavor was out of this world, the beans still felt like - beans, oddly enough. It's a texture thing. But let's just say that didn't keep me from coming back for more...


Here's the recipe:


Beans (I have no idea how much. I just put them in my pan by the handful. Enough to cover the bottom of my large (but not huge) pan)
1 Ham Shank
9 cups Chicken Broth (or nine cups of water with 3Tbs of chicken bullion.)
2 Bay Leaves.

Note: Do NOT add salt!

To start, pick over your dry beans. Pull out and tiny rocks, bits of stalk, and bad or split beans. Then rinse them very well. It doesn't hurt to wash them a few times. Drain all the water off of them and place the pan on the stove.

Pour 9 cups of chicken broth over your beans and turn the stove on high. Drop the whole ham shank in the pot and add the 2 bay leaves.

Bring it to a boil. Then turn it down to LOW and cover. Let it cook all day, at least 8 hours. About an hour or so before you eat, pull the ham shank out and let it cool for a few minutes. When it's cool enough to handle, pick the meat off the bone and put it back in the pan. I also tossed the bone back in the pan and just threw away the  extra fat.

That's all. No really. That's all. No other seasoning or ingredients. Not even salt, as the ham will provide all the salt you need.

My beans were fresh, meaning from the last year, so they didn't need to soak over night. However, most beans that you get from a grocery store are 5 years or older. There's nothing wrong with this per say. It's just means they really need to rehydrate. But you'll have to find someone who know how to deal with all that shananigans.

I'm no bean chef, remember?

T-t-t-t-IGH!

Money is tight. Tighter then than a pop tart’s booty shorts.  Yeah. That’s tight, I know.

To help make ends meet while I wait for an opening at Trader Joe’s (somebody quit, already!), I have started working from home at Amazon's Mechanical Turk. My last job was transcribing an interview. Let me just say, if I EVER say “Um,” “You  know,” or something along those lines – just SLAP ME! I’m fairly certain that out of the 2,129 words I typed, over half of them were “uh, you know, “and “um.”

Re

Dic

U

LOUS!

Anyway. Back  to your regularly scheduled blog.

Uh, were was I? Oh! Uh, I know. You know, I just love, uh, Top Ramen. {snickers} I’m done. For now. ;0)

Ok, money. It’s pretty tight right now. That  might sound pretty terrifying to most people.  But I have to say, I’m kind of enjoying it. It means we’re doing it on our own. Like real adults. It's also nice to watch God take care of us on daily basis. And He totally does. J I like that feeling.

Living on an extremely tight budget isn’t as bad as it might sound. Like I said, I’ve been picking up some work at Mechanical Turk to fill in the gaps and yesterday I made my first mini wad of money ( I stress "mini"). So I decided to take Ernie out for dinner. Now when you’re in a killer cash crunch, there’s only a few places at which you can afford to eat.

I swallowed my pride and took my husband out to the only place we could afford.

P.F. Changs.

Yeah. I know, I know. Who wants to eat at a swank Chinese restaurant when you can eat off the dollar menu at McDonald’s? It’s a rough life, but somebody’s got to do it.

I know your sitting there with raised eyebrows. “Tough finances? Really? And you’re eating dinner at P.F. Changs? And you're not using credit cards? Riiiight.” But it’s true – I swear!

Here’s how we did it. We showed up during Happy Hour (and oh happy it was after a week of Top Ramen!) and ordered these delicious chicken salad wraps. Not one order, oh no. We were splurging. (And pretty dang hungry.) We each got our own order. Yeeeeeeeeeah!  Here’s the other secret to eating out on a budget – skip the drinks. I’m not just talking about those zippy little drinks that make the room (and your date) just a little bit prettier. I’m talking about soda. Tea. Coffee. That’s usually an additional $2.50 a person – an extra FIVE FREAKING DOLLARS FOR SUGAR WATER FOR TWO PEOPLE?! I think not. Hold the sugar (and the calories, thank you) and I’ll just have water.

Our grand total, for feeding two hungry people dinner – at P.F. CHANGS – was, are you ready for this?

$10. Ten whole smackers. BOOAYH!!  Did I mention that included a decent tip?

I can so do this tight budget junk.