Marriage is messy.
It's kind of like taking a rough figure and rubbing sanding paper across it. It causes you to look closer at yourself and your motives.
Tonight i ended up self-exiling myself to my back porch with a candle and my hookah. God decided that i needed to be reminded of my significance in this world. The entire sky behind my house turned into a continual light show. Lightning tore the sky from end to end - without the lightest peal of thunder. Even the Sky dances for Him. What had I thanked Him for today? Nothing. I griped and moaned and pouted all day. It really got me to thinking.
This is the conclusion i have come to:
Life is hard. I keep waiting for it to get easy. Slowly I am realizing that it's never going to. And i think the most difficult part about it all is Me. The way i deal with it. Or rather, don't deal with it. I just get mad. I get pouty. Pouty! The worst part is that I KNOW when I am doing it. And yet...I still pitch a stupid fit. I know it's ridiculous! Like Paul said, why do I do the things i know i ought not? Why don't i do what i know I should?
I am a messy, dirty, selfish person. I want to change - I NEED to change. I used to think I was good. The older I get, the more I realize how wretched I truly am. I know I need Jesus. Even when he provides for me, I am so quick to forget, so quick to shove him away and say, "I can do it!"
I need to stand on His grace. Maybe I ought to pray. What a novel concept, huh? :)
Friday, August 15, 2008
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Annoyed
I don't understand why people get so obsessed over things. I just...grr...It's wonderful that you've started a new relationship. But - DUDE! At least stop crying over your last lost love before you obsess over the new one. It just drives me a little crazy.
How do you say that to a friend? "Um, I'm not sure you're thinking straight. Are you sure you really love this person, or do they just fill a new, deep, empty, cavernous void left by the sudden departure of the last? Should you be blatantly hinting at another marriage when your divorce is a mere month behind you?"
I just hate to see my friend's hurt. But then who am I to talk? I was still sobbing on Ernie's shoulder over my previous disaster of a relationship while naming our children future in my head. Is this just human nature? Are we so driven by our loneliness that we cling to whatever is there?
I'm not sure where i would be if my wise husband hadn't required that i let go of him and cling to Jesus again before he made his feelings know. What if he had allowed himself to remain my crutch and mainstay?
Help me understand.
How do you say that to a friend? "Um, I'm not sure you're thinking straight. Are you sure you really love this person, or do they just fill a new, deep, empty, cavernous void left by the sudden departure of the last? Should you be blatantly hinting at another marriage when your divorce is a mere month behind you?"
I just hate to see my friend's hurt. But then who am I to talk? I was still sobbing on Ernie's shoulder over my previous disaster of a relationship while naming our children future in my head. Is this just human nature? Are we so driven by our loneliness that we cling to whatever is there?
I'm not sure where i would be if my wise husband hadn't required that i let go of him and cling to Jesus again before he made his feelings know. What if he had allowed himself to remain my crutch and mainstay?
Help me understand.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
A New Home
Well Ernie and I are...nearly...moved into our first house! I love it. it's definitely a little fixer-uppers, but i like the need to stretch my creative legs. I haven't made the time for creative outlets in quite a while. anyway, the house is wonderful and the cats are ecstatic! I'll post some picture - as soon as i get around to taking some. :)
Friday, August 1, 2008
God's Good, Amazing Grace
So a little history lesson first.
Ernie and I have been struggling in debt for the last 2 years. I mean just drowning. Before we left California, we were literally sliding backwards more each month. We moved to Texas, made a budget, and a lot of changes. We got a handle on it, but truth be told, with our income, high interest rates and everything we were still going to be paying it off for the next 10 years. We seriously considered defaulting and dealing with bad credit for 7 years. We were a week away from just…ignoring it. Then we decided that we should pay it all. It became a matter of integrity to me. It didn't matter that we had paid all of the principle off and the next ten years would be pure interest. WE read the contract. We signed our names. Therefore, you needed to pay our debts. The parents offered to help us pay it off – rolling it over onto 0% interest cards and stuff. We declined. They had helped us enough. We needed to pay it ourselves.
That was one week ago today. My husband just walked into the office with a letter from his last employer. They've had a class action lawsuit filed against them concerning overtime laws.
They are FedEx'ing a check to us tomorrow for nearly $34,000.00! By the time the taxes are taken out, it should be around 14k – just enough to pay off our debt in total. Is His grace not amazing?!
Seek ye first the kingdom of God and all these things shall be added to you.
Ernie and I have been struggling in debt for the last 2 years. I mean just drowning. Before we left California, we were literally sliding backwards more each month. We moved to Texas, made a budget, and a lot of changes. We got a handle on it, but truth be told, with our income, high interest rates and everything we were still going to be paying it off for the next 10 years. We seriously considered defaulting and dealing with bad credit for 7 years. We were a week away from just…ignoring it. Then we decided that we should pay it all. It became a matter of integrity to me. It didn't matter that we had paid all of the principle off and the next ten years would be pure interest. WE read the contract. We signed our names. Therefore, you needed to pay our debts. The parents offered to help us pay it off – rolling it over onto 0% interest cards and stuff. We declined. They had helped us enough. We needed to pay it ourselves.
That was one week ago today. My husband just walked into the office with a letter from his last employer. They've had a class action lawsuit filed against them concerning overtime laws.
They are FedEx'ing a check to us tomorrow for nearly $34,000.00! By the time the taxes are taken out, it should be around 14k – just enough to pay off our debt in total. Is His grace not amazing?!
Seek ye first the kingdom of God and all these things shall be added to you.
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